XXXIII

Today I begin the 33rd year of my existence. It was supposed to be a year of some significant changes and new starts. But I believe I blew it. Why? I got scared and didn't know that I was scared. By the time I figured out what was going on it was probably too late. So what did I learn, be better in tune with myself and more open and honest, not only with myself but with the V.O.R. As partners we recognize what is going on with each other and even bring things out of each other that one cannot see without the eyes of the other.

A problem is a chance for you to do your best. Duke Ellington

Fright. As a kid I lived on a dirt road. It was great, every Spring the road grater would come and churn up all kinds of treasures: broken bottles, small boulders, old rusted toys and occasionally something I would swear was a dinosaur bone. On a busy day our road would see 10 cars. So during the summer I would ride my bike up and down the road with on fear (I asked for a skateboard but they had yet to invent a dirt road model). One particular day I was riding down the road at a pretty good speed, so fast that I couldn't steer so well. About this time a car was coming the other direction at a pretty good speed too. We looked each other in the eyes and I'm sure what he thought was chicken, at the last minute we both jerked the steering apparatuses of our vessels. He went off road and then back on, me I went in the big mud hole. I feel in some ways that is what happened. I was a bit fearful and instead of applying the brakes and getting on safe ground I landed in the mud hole. Live and learn, sure but you still get muddy learning.

So how did I come to this epiphany of fear?

Yesterday I loaded my backpack for a day hike, got the map, water bottle, binoculars and headed north to Mount Monadnock outside of Jaffery, NH. The trip took about two hours. I got out of the truck and headed up the White Dot Trail to the top. For some odd reason I was hiking at ridiculous pace, I was dripping with sweat and leaving a trail of body odor that kept all matters of flies and bears miles away. I had hoped to sort things out during the hike up, but my pace and amount of huge rocks kept that from taking place. I did make it to the top in one hour and four minutes. I had to climb on my hands and feet part of the way but eventually I could see the Presidential Range and the beautiful valley below. I purposively didnt take any pictures, I saved them in my memory.

I sat down for lunch and realized that the ancients were onto something when they thought mountains would get you closer to God. The adventure of climbing and then the reward of the sights is quite a spiritual accomplishment. After lunch I started down, by the time I got down to the Spruce Link trail it hit me: fear. Fear was keeping me from moving forward in life. I named it, realized it and it evaporated.

When I got home I tried to mask my fear from The V.O.R. but she saw right through it and named it too. I tried to sidestep her, but she was onto me. In her words, she jerked a knot in my tail, yeah you could say that. I went to bed around 8:30, woke up sick this morning, slept till 11. Now I feel great and at peace. I admitted my fear and am trying to make the most of my muddy situation.

Not exactly the birthday present I was hoping for, but one that I needed to take place.