25 November 2008

Paperboy Gently Tosses Paper onto Driveway Hoping to Avoid Surgery

Paperboy Gently Tosses Paper onto Driveway Hoping to Avoid Surgery

By: Theobilly

Sometime between 4:00 and 4:30 every morning for the past ten years Chase Osburne delivers the Times to the Jefferson, RI the country suburban town roughly eight miles north of Providence, RI. All of those 3000+ deliveries have been delivered with a hard flung flick of his wrist out of his window that lands with a thud on or near the front steps of the deliverees home. Over the past few days, however, expectant newspaper readers have been quite surprised to find their papers not on or near their steps but all the way down where the driveway meets the road. Mr. John Wilkesborogh, the town resident who first reported this anamoly to the proper authorities at Customer Service, remarked that it looks like Chase just lets the paper drizzle from his hand onto the driveway.

When this reported tracked down Mr. Osburne at his home on 1028 Patterson Aveune I found him sitting on a recyliner icing both of his arms from the elbow down. I asked Mr. Osburne why he had stopped throwing the paper so hard? "The other day I read that champion disc golfer Mark Sheffenfield had to have surgery from over flinging I knew my elbows were on thin ice. Since then I just drop the papers, if the Times want to fire me go ahead, these two elbows are the good Lord gave me" state Mr. Osburne. Nevertheless Mr. Wilkesborogh is none too pleased at the prospect of bundling up and walking down his 20 foot asphault driveway in a pre-coffe daze every morning this winter.

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