Lincoln Residents Prepare for Serious Compunction

Lincoln Residents Prepare for Serious Compunction
by Theobilly
Published October 4, 2006

Lincoln, RI

The residents of Lincoln, RI, the small idyllic New England village, finally came down from a two week high when the members of the Ecumenical Ministers Union agreed to the aribitration proposal offered by Congregational Management. "I made more in the last two weeks than I did in all of last year." The comment from bartender/owner Richard Tucker of the Cold Mug pretty much summed up the senitments from the entertainment business community: "I made more in the last two weeks than I did in all of last year."

The two weeks of licentousness, debauchery, drunkeness, carousing, and dissensions all began when negociations between the two sides came to a stand still. The Union wouldn't accept the mandatory 35 hour work week and Management wouldn't grant a renewal of country club memberships for clergy. The stand-still brought a general strike on the evening of Saturday, September 23.

Parishoners woke up the following Sunday morning only to find churches closed and the Eucharist firmly locked in their respective sacristies. "We thought the absence of worship of word and sacrament on Sunday morning would really make them cave. I guess we grossly underestimated our people." said Rev. Eugene Moderatelyboring.

Upon finding the doors to the church locked and the absence of Confessions of Prayer the congregants of Lincoln, RI went on a sinning rampage. Everyone from the Town Administrator to the paperboy whopped it up for two weeks of, well...extreme fun, until the agreement was signed late last night. The E.M.U. agreed to a 32 hour week and C.M. agreed to pay for memberships but will not cover alcohol.

Reaction in the town was noticably depressed at the announcement. Right when it appeared the E.M.U. had lost the upper hand they gained with the promise of an all-town joint service of compunction this Sunday at 10:00am on the grounds of Chase Farm. Each minister but his/her hands on the Good Book vowing sermons of constancy.

In closing a comment from Rene Hall, "Vegas here I come."