Language Lessons, installment #3

Lesson #1.

This morning I took the family automobile down to the garage for state inspection.  While I was waiting I saw a couple of guys that I know and began talking about normal stuff I suppose.  Gradually the topic of my profession worked its way into the conversation (specifically in regards to how much, if at all, time do I get for vacation).  As our time of exchanging words drew to a close one gentleman asked me if Baptists were Protestant.  Yes we are I replied.  Then he said he was Protestant too, an Episcopalian -- although he did not say it in a proper manner, instead his elocution caused Episcopal to rhyme with despicable.  Say that out loud the despicable Episcopal.  Now picture an acquaintance of yours that you do not care too much for who is Episcopalian then really say it out loud, what fun you will have. 

Lesson #2

(This is more of a lesson in regional metaphors)

While the mechanic was deliberated down the list of required diagnostic reviews I inquired if he would be so kind to check the brakes, he obliged.  Afterwards he approached me with the suit of brakes covering his arms (which covered his tattoos) to inform me my brakes were "tighter than a substitute the word here which can and often does mean the son born in the midst of what our society deems illegitimate."  I had never quite heard the tightness of brakes described that way, nevertheless I knew exactly what he meant.

Lesson #3

Our middle child is now off to school.  Since his first day he has been explaining, with great jubilation, the impending arrival of "the gymnast."  The VOR and I welcomed the news and thought how peculiar that a guest would already be coming to school, this being the first week and all.  Yesterday we were informed by #2 that he would have to wear sneakers for the gymnast.  The VOR and I thought how neat, the children will be learning some rudimentary gymnastic skills.  Finally today #2 began to report about "the gymnast."  First, she was an older person, like you mom.  Second, she taught them many moves.  Third, she said that the kids were not allowed to throw the ball this high (#2 lifted arms to show us how high).  Fourth, she will be coming every week.  At this moment light bulbs shone above the VOR's and my head.  The gymnast was properly translated to the gym teacher.